Bird's First Homely Karaoke Bar
by elf-pimps
Summary: Bird opens up a Karaoke Bar in Imladris, and what horrors do occur! Haldir and Legolas aren't actually main two elves, since ALL are the stars...READ! REVIEW! LAUGH! (if you are squeamish of sexual content, don't come here...though it is mainly farce...
1. Introduction

Wrecking Havoc – Little Balrog

Once upon time in a beautiful and quiet forest, several ladies and their pet balrog fell from a rip in the time-space continuum. Landing on a non-soft patch of grass, they rubbed their sore bums for a moment and looked around, confused as to where they were. From behind a bush, a hot ass elf watched them for a moment, unsure as to whether or not he should bring them home with him. Not realizing what destructive powers these ladies bore, Haldir decided to show himself and take them to Lorien...eventually causing many elves to need expensive therapy.

Life in Arda soon ceased to exist as they had known it.

Three unfortunate souls –Celeborn, Elrond, and Haldir- were molasses-ed into a tree, thus proving the rumor true that elves don't wear anything under their robes. Erestor was coaxed into the tree with promises of a hefty donation to his Erestor's Institute For Elflings That Don't Read So Good. It was also learned that Galadriel could identify the treed elves by their hidden anatomy, mainly because her sewing room had a window that overlooked the elf bathing pool.

Two of the ladies even went so far as to enslave many of the top elflords and elves for their Elf Pimp business. Thranduil, who was nearly enslaved but escaped just in time, made the two an offer they couldn't refuse, one that involved special spankings for the naughty duo and a lovely round of golf. Soon, BATTER: Bird And Tic's Tree-house of Elven Raunchiness opened chains in such locations as Rivendell, Lorien, Mirkwood, and EVEN Valinor offering a wide selection of tasty batter-dipped elves. They were a huge success.

Soon elves were seen everywhere, in black thongs and handcuffs. Shopkeepers couldn't keep the chocolate syrup on the shelves. It was even reported that Erestor and Glorfindel were spied in skintight, short-skirted nurses' dresses, fishnets, and stilettos. Haldir and Legolas became stars of the Elf Mud Wrestling Scene, while Elladan and Elrohir discovered their love for Dr. Frankenfurter, corsets, and ruby red lipstick. One elf, Melpomaen aka Figwit, was caught wearing nothing but a sparkly silver cape. Rumil and Orophin's wives became voyeurs and watched as the two brothers proved just how flexible they really are.

The ladies of the Little Balrog yahoo group were their best customers, and every morning, Zhie would wake up to find the elf-muses exhausted and a bit deranged, as well as several videos of their nightly activities strewn about.

It wasn't long after that the wildly popular "Cookies and Elves" recipe book was published and sold millions of copies, mainly because of its full-color photos of each recipe and elf.

Then one night, not too long ago, Bird couldn't sleep. A rabid plot bunny crawled into her brain through her ear, and decided to settle down for the long haul. A little at a time, it chewed at her gray matter, till she screamed, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I'LL DO IT!!"

The very next day she started putting up posters for an event that would terrify all the elves in Arda...


	2. Posting Advertisements

Flash back to one fine and unsuspecting day… (written by Bird and Kath)

Bird walks around with some rolled up parchments, a hammer, and a small bag of nails. Coming up to a tree, she carefully unrolls one of the parchments. It reads:

BIRD'S FIRST HOMELY KARAOKE BAR OPENING NIGHT

– Come see our special Surprise Opening Act!

Other performers include but are not limited to –

- Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood

- Haldir, March Warden of Lorien

- Glorfindel of Rivendell

- Birds of a Feather

- AND SO MANY MORE!!!

WHEN: All night long

WHERE: Behind Rivendell's BATTER: Bird and Tic's Tree-house of Elven Raunchiness

WHAT: Music and Fun for all ages...(must be over 18 human years or 85 elven years.)

WHO: Everyone!

SEE YA'LL THERE!!!

Bird nails the poster to the tree, oblivious to the pained looks elves are giving her all around, as she pounds the hammer against the nail, piercing the tree. One particular elf walks up, looking a little worried.

The mystery elf questions her, "You really are serious, aren't you? You're making me sing that song!"

Bird smiles wickedly before replying, "Yeppers...now get back to your dressing room..."

------------

Back at her talan, Kath finds Legolas' LOTR trading cards, all of which are of him in various naughty poses. "AH HA, now I know how to get him to perform tonight!" She runs out and finds him staring wide-eyed at one of the posters. Kath walks up to him, holding his trading cards and a Bic lighter. "Hey, Leggy, remember that song I want you to sing?"

Legolas faces her reluctantly, his eyes full of fear. "I don't want to sing that song," he answers, his voice shaking.

"You'll sing it, and you'll like it," Kath glares at him.

Legolas glares back, his hands on his hips, "I'll sing it, but I don't have to like it."

Kath flicks the Bic, and holds one of the cards over the flame. "I'll like it...I'll like it," Leggy shrieks, realizing what she means to do.

"Good Elf," Kath smiles evilly, as she pats him on his pretty blonde head.


	3. A sound checkMisunderstood

A bit of a warm-up…Misunderstood (written mostly by Zhie, with Bird, Kath, and Amy) (We don't own the original version of Misunderstood...so there...)

Its an hour before the bar opens, and Bird is frantically running around shouting orders to all her employees. "Aragorn, Faramir! Go setup more tables! Mei and Kath, go change into the uniforms I picked out for the bartenders and make sure we have plenty of liquor stocked up! Erestor and Glorfindel, you two go check the sound with Zhie and the Birds of a Feather!"

Elves and people run around, trying to avoid her spittle as they carry out her orders. A couple special guests have already arrive, and one, Amy, is sitting in front of the stage. Erestor walks up onto the stage, followed by a grinning Glorfindel.

"Now this little song," says the Canary (Zhie), walking up to the mike, "was allegedly sung at the twins' 700th birthday party as one particular elf sang and stripped. We won't mention names-"

"I have no recollection of that night!" pipes up Erestor.

"-but he denies such allegations. It was sung once again by Elladan or Elrohir, I cannot recall which, as part of a truth or dare game, and again at the King's Kastle by Orophin. Tonight, ladies and gentleman of the group, muses, bunnies, and all others present, the elf for whom the song was intended-"

"Oh, I can't do this." Erestor attempts to escape off stage, but Glorfindel stands in his way. After whispering a few things to him that cause the advisor to blush a rather warm peachy color, he settles down and nods.

"For your enjoyment, Master Erestor, accompanied by Lord Glorfindel, singing 'Misunderstood'." Glorfindel leads Erestor over to the piano. While Fin sits down at the bench, Erestor hops up to sit on the top of the grand instrument. Glorfindel coughs loudly as he fingers up and down the ivory... keys, and Erestor blushes again, and then removes his robe and tosses it aside, revealing only brown suede leggings. Glorfindel coughs again, continuing to play the ebony and ivory, and Erestor sighs, then reaches behind his head and lets his hair down, allowing the inky river to flow down and spill across the piano. Glorfindel smiles and begins to play the tune as Erestor prepares to sing, a rather somber look on his pouting face.

_"I hide behind my robes and I hide behind my books_

_I hide behind all of the time just gettin' dirty looks_

_Like some sort of a hobbit hidin' way down in his hole_

_I'm not really in the habit of bein' wild and out of control_

_But I'm mis-un-der-stood,_

_Just misunderstood,_

_M-I-S-U-N-D, E-R-S-T, double-Oh-D, misunderstood._

_I'm misunderstood, and baby, up to no good!"_

With catlike grace, Erestor repositions himself as he continues to sing, lounging now across the lid, and singing less to the audience and more to Glorfindel.

_"I like to sit and read a scroll before a roarin' fire_

_And a glass of wine, perhaps merlot, right before I retire_

_But when I catch someone starin' an they say "Oh, that librarian!"_

_What they don't know is precisely what I'm sharin',_

_an'…I'm… Mis-un-der-stood,_

_Just misunderstood,_

_M-I-S-U-N-D, E-R-S-T, double-Oh-D, misunderstood._

_I'm misunderstood, and baby, up to no good!"_

One finger idly reaches out and traces along Glorfindel's shoulder, neck and chin as Erestor uses his other hand to prop up his head. He is on his stomach now, one leg bent over and the other draped across the piano.

_"Whenever I sit behind my desk appearing just to think _

_Well, I'll tell you now, holy cow! Oh, what a kink! _

_Beneath Elrond's biography and mappings of geography _

_I keep Rivendell's largest collection of E-Ro-Tic Po-Et-Try-" _

_"Just mis-un-der-stood, I'm just misunderstood, _

_Just M-I-S, forget the rest, and oh! if I could! _

_It's just, I lust, oh and forgive me if I rushed, _

_but I must be mis-under-stoooooooood!"_

Glorfindel practically drags Erestor into his lap once the song is finished, knocking them both off of the piano bench and onto the floor where they - are not seen by the audience as the curtain drops.

"I think the mics are working fine!" shouts the Canary to the stage crew, most of whom are snickering.

--------------------------

At her seat in the front, Amy can see everything. The room grows quite warm and Amy is sure she feels a swoon coming on as the progresses. A drink is pressed into her hand and she does not even look at it as she downs it in one gulp. Then the song ends and the curtain falls Amy places two fingers in her mouth and whistles appreciatively.

--------------------------

At the other end of the bar, Aragorn, looking a little peeved and red, walks up wearing a "Bird's First Homely Karaoke Bar" security shirt with Faramir dressed the same.

"I'm married to a friggin' elf...can't I get any respect!?" Aragorn shouts at no one in particular, pissed that he has to play bouncer tonight. Faramir, however, just looks excited to be here.

"Are those what I think they are," he asks, checking out Kath and Mei behind the bar. Both are wearing skin tight "Bird's First Homely Karaoke Bar" tank tops and daisy-dukes. Faramir walks over, and in an attempt to be sauve, reaches out with his hand.

Kath grabs his hand before it reaches her chest, "Faramir…what are you doing?"

Faramir looks sheepishly at her, "Bird said I'm supposed to be the bouncer."

"Faramir, they bounce just fine by themselves…they don't need any help from you. Hands off."

Bird walks up and grabs him by the ear, "Ahem...what would Eowyn think?" She spies Eowyn across room, sticking her head through the curtain on stage, quietly watching Erestor and Glorfindel's activities. "Um...forget I said anything...just get back to work."


	4. The Bitch is Back

**"The Bitch is Back" by Elton John Chapter written by Bird, Kath and Amy  
**  
Peeking out from behind the red velvet curtain, Bird eyes the noisy and packed bar. She is a little shocked to see just how many responded to her ads. Looking back down at the itinerary, she decides that it isn't really all that surprising. The 'Birds of a Feather' are a pretty popular local group, and who wouldn't show up to see two chicks dance on a bar or Legolas. How about two chicks dancing ON Legolas? Bird waves away the tempting thought.  
  
An uncomfortable elf stands behind her fidgeting. "I REALLY don't want to do this!!"  
  
Bird looks at him for a moment, a smile twitching at the corners of her mouth. "Dearie, come on…you look fabulous, plus you know who will be watching and has already said the out fit looks incredibly sexy on you."  
  
"Really?" The elf looks down at his out fit and smiles nervously.  
  
Bird nods and turns her attention back to the crowded bar. "Go drink a shot and get over it. I gotta go and make an announcement." Smoothing down the front of her shirt, Bird tries to throw the curtain out of the way, attempting to look cool at the same time. However that fails, and she ends up tripping and on a cord, causing all the lights to go out. Everything goes quiet and a loud, "Eru Damnit!" echoes through the hall.  
  
Suddenly the lights flicker on, and everyone sees Bird try to jump up casually like nothing happened. "Ahem," she clears her throat when she finally stumbles to the mike. "Welcome ellyth and elves, men and women, and all you others," she waves to the crowd, "WELCOME TO BIRD'S FIRST HOMELY KARAOKE BAR!!" A loud roaring cheer explodes from the crowd. "Are ya'll ready to PARTAY!!!???" More energetic yells, several fists are pumping the air.  
  
Bird looks over and spies Kath and Mei tending bar, juggling bottles and glasses just like those chicks in the Coyote Ugly. Quite a few patrons are ogling the two in their skin tight, low cut First Homely Karaoke Bar tanks and Daisy Duke cut-offs. Everything is good so far.  
  
"We have quite a line up tonight! Birds of a Feather singing an original song!." Loud cheers from loyal fans. "Legolas with a surprise song!" Fan girls pass out everywhere. "Celebdreth singing a special song for a special someone!" Beinie blushes, as everyone chuckles knowingly.  
  
"AND MUCH MORE!!!! If anyone gets the urge to sing, come on up! Now, for our opening act!"  
  
The lights dim in the bar, and a single spot light centers on the stage. The Intro of Elton John's 'The Bitch is Back' blasts through the bar. Smoke begins to flow across the stage and the strobe light turns on, and a figure walks out and turns his back to everyone, head down and hands on hips. He throws a withering 'I-can't-believe-you're-making-me-do-this' look at Bird. Suddenly, on cue, he jumps around singing loudly,  
  
"I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch  
Oh the bitch is back!"  
  
Everyone gapes at Erestor, who is wearing a polyester white leisure suit, white large round sunglasses with green tint, a white pimp hat, and lime green Hawaiian flowery shirt, (looking an awful lot like 70s Elton John, but with dark flowing hair.) He has what seems to be glitter on his face.  
  
"Stone cold sober as a matter of fact  
I can bitch, I can bitch  
cause I'm better than you  
It's the way that I move  
The things that I do"  
  
He stops gyrating across the stage, and pausing for a moment looks out straight into the audience, then grabs the mikes off the stand and slides across the stage on his knees, singing…  
  
"I was justified when I was five  
Raising cane, I spit in your eye.  
Times are changing, now the poor get fat  
But the fever's gonna catch you when the bitch gets back  
Eat meat on friday that's alright  
Even like steak on a saturday night  
I can bitch the best at your social do's  
I get high in the evening sniffing pots of glue"  
  
He twitches slightly and rubs his nose, like he maybe a little high, before leaping through the air and doing the moon walk across the stage. With a pelvic thrust after each 'bitch', he belts out,  
  
"I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch  
Oh the bitch is back.  
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact."  
  
Getting into it, he points into the crowd as if he is personally speaking to each one, continuing with the pelvic thrusts. Sweat is beginning to saturate his clothes,  
  
"I can bitch, I can bitch  
cause I'm better than you  
It's the way that I move  
The things that I do.  
  
I entertain by picking brains  
Sell my soul by dropping names  
I don't like those, my god, what's that  
Oh it's full of nasty habits when the bitch gets back."  
  
He starts doing the Michael Jackson crotch grab when he thrusts…  
  
Amy scoots close enough to the stage so she can see every drop of sweat and the clingy material that accentuates every lithe plane of his body.  
  
She squeals like a fan girl when he thrusts his hips and then overcome she hurls her bra onto the stage. She gulps down another shot and fans her face with her hand.  
  
"I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch  
Oh the bitch is back…"  
  
Glorfindel drools…  
  
Galadriel walks in and whispers to Bird, "I just arrived back from my trip Valinor, this better not be about me…"  
  
Bird drags an elated Erestor off the stages as he throws kisses at the adoring crowd.  
  
"YOU LOVE ME, YOU REALLY LOVE ME!!!"  
  
Glorfindel flashes his back stage pass at the bouncers and goes to help Erestor…change….  
  
--------------------------------------------  
  
Kath stares in shock at the stage, drool forming a puddle at her feet. She completely misses the bottle thrown to her by Mei, which conks Galadriel in head, knocking her out.  
  
"Oh, my great and glorious Eru! He was freaking AWESOME!"  
  
------------------------------  
  
Back stage  
  
Glorfindel leads Erestor to the dressing room in the back, "let me take that bra off your head...let me take that lime shirt off you...let me take...let me..." Hurriedly, he shoves the cosmetics off the dressing table and plops Erestor up on it.  
  
Bird rushes in just in time, "Guys! We don't have time for this!!! GET BACK OUT IN THE BAR!! The next act needs the dressing room!!!" And she shoves them back out the door. Bird walks back out on to the stage to address the crowd once again. "Ahem (dramatic pause) LEGOLAS, IS NEXT!!!!  
  
Crowd screams wildly!


	5. I feel Pretty

**"I feel so Pretty" by (someone, not us) Chapter written by Kath, Amy, and Bird**  
  
Kath pushes a rather reluctant Legolas onto the darkened stage. "Why am I wearing this?"  
  
"Bird said you can't go on completely nude, because of health  
code violations."  
  
"Is this really necessary?"  
  
"Yes. Just remember not to move too suddenly…and think  
happy thoughts."  
  
Legolas stands on the darkened stage as the curtain opens. A single, soft spotlight hits him, as the audience collectively gasps.  
  
He stands in the soft amber light, with only a washcloth draped  
over his, er…mike.  
  
It is a very long, very hard, very thick mike.  
  
He begins to sing…  
  
"I feel pretty…  
  
oh, so pretty…  
  
I feel pretty, and witty, and gay…  
And I pity,  
Any Elf who isn't me today…  
  
I feel charming,  
  
And disarming…  
  
It's alarming how charming I feel,  
  
And so pretty,  
  
That I hardly can believe I'm real."  
  
With the last beat of the song, Legolas thrusts his hips toward  
the audience, flinging the washcloth into the crowd.  
  
Suddenly, we know who can tie it in a knot.  
  
Bird frantically calls Aragorn and faramir on her walkie talkie. "GET TO THE STAGE NOW!!!! KEEP THE FAN GIRLS AND BOYS OFF THE STAGE!!!" Aragorn and Faramir jump into action...slow mo flying through the air, wrestling weeping and shrieking bodies from the stage...  
  
Amy's eyes bug out and cross as she sees what Legolas usually hides beneath his leggings...or is that beneath Haldir? "I had no idea.....wow, oh my, wow, holy....wow!"  
  
Glorfindel and Erestor act quickly, pulling Legolas back into the dressing room. They comfort the shell-shocked Elf by doing a sound check on his mike.  
  
Kath watches from an armchair in the dressing room, drooling profusely, until Bird forces her back to the bar.  
  
After pushing KAth back out to the Bar...Bird settles into the chair and takes a relaxing break, with her camcorder recording... "Wait...I have to go back out too..." she remembers, and so sets camcorder on tripod, and slips out.  
  
Before she returns to the stage, she grabs a can of hot pink paint and writes U-N before 'dressing'  
  
Bird steps back on to the stage, and random voice in the crowd shouts "GET OFF THE STAGE AND BRING BACK LEGGY!!"  
  
Bird takes it all in stride and winks at the crowd, "You mean that "Pretty Knotty Elf" right? Next up...the sexiest duo in Arda!"


	6. Rod Stewart

**Do YA think I'm Sexy by Rod Stewart (Amy and Bird)**  
  
The lights dim on stage and then come up with a flash. Standing there are  
Elladan and Elrohir back to back.  
  
Their sable hair is unbound and flows down their shoulders. Their toned  
finely muscled bodies are clad in tight black leather pants that hugs every  
ridge and hollow. The fine grained leather rides low on their lean hips and  
black knee boots complete their outfits. Their chest are bare but glisten  
with a sheen of oil.  
  
The music starts and they saunter to the edge of the stage.  
  
"Sugar, sugar  
  
She sits alone waiting for suggestions  
He's so nervous avoiding all the questions  
His lips are dry, her heart is gently pounding  
Don't you just know exactly what they're thinking  
  
If you want my body and you think I'm sexy  
come on sugar let me know.  
If you really need me just reach out and touch me  
come on honey tell me so  
Tell me so baby"  
  
They move across the stage as if they own it strutting and gyrating their  
hips in time with the beat of the music. Their hair flaring out and catching  
the light as they move.  
  
"He's acting shy looking for an answer  
Come on honey let's spend the night together  
Now hold on a minute before we go much further  
Give me a dime so I can phone my mother  
They catch a cab to his high rise apartment  
At last he can tell her exactly what his heart meant  
  
If you want my body and you think I'm sexy  
come on honey tell me so  
If you really need me just reach out and touch me  
come on sugar let me know."  
  
They jump down off of the stage and circulate through the crowd as they  
sing. The ladies can scarce keep their hands off the delectable duo and  
frankly Ell and Ro are enjoying the wandering hands. They approach Amy's  
table and with a wink Elrohir sits down on her lap while Elladan lays across  
the table.  
  
"His heart's beating like a drum  
'cos at last he's got this girl home  
Relax baby now we are alone  
  
They wake at dawn 'cos all the birds are singing  
Two total strangers but that ain't what they're thinking  
Outside it's cold, misty and it's raining  
They got each other neither one's complaining  
He say's I sorry but I'm out of milk and coffee  
Never mind sugar we can watch the early movie  
  
If you want my body and you think I'm sexy  
come on sugar let me know  
If you really need me just reach out and touch me  
come on honey tell me so"  
  
Amy nearly swoons as Elrohir rotates his hips as he straddles her lap.  
Elladan thrusts his hips in time with the beat as he reclines on the table.  
Then they jump up and gracefully return to the stage. Their hips do a slow  
bump and grind as the belt out the last verse. Their hands travel up and  
down their oil slick torsos, toying with their nipples as they sing.  
  
"If you really need me just reach out and touch me  
come on sugar let me know  
If you really, really, really, really need me  
just let me know  
Just reach out and touch me  
If you really want me  
just reach out and touch me  
come on sugar let me know  
If you really need me just reach out and touch me  
come on sugar let me know  
If you, if you, if you really need me  
just come on and tell me so."  
  
The song ends and the place goes wild with applause. The twins smirk and  
saunter back off stage.  
  
Bird's jaw drops open in shock, "I believe Aragorn and Faramir will have their work cut out for them..." She opens up her cell phone and calls Gimli. "I NEED BACK UP!!!" She goes back to imagining those oil slicked bodies and nipple twirlers....


	7. Bloodhound Gang

**"The Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gang (Kath, Bird, and Amy)**  
  
Haldir leans against the bar with his arms crossed over his chest. He glares haughtily at Kath and Bird. "Ahem," he clears his throat and both ladies turn to face him.  
  
"What do you want?" Kath's voice drips with sarcasm, and Bird rolls her eyes at him.  
  
"Well, you'd think I might want to perform, too," he sneers at the two ladies.  
  
Bird gives him a very unimpressed look, "Really, and what exactly do you have in mind?"  
  
"Something that will make you meow…."  
  
The curtains part on a darkened stage, as fog rolls gently across the footlights…  
  
Suddenly a thunderous beat begins pounding, as multicolored spot lights sweep the stage.  
  
From above the stage, a trapeze is slowly lowered bearing ! a broad shouldered, well-muscled Elf whose hair is loose and flowing.  
  
A black light hits him, and he glows in the dark….  
  
Haldir, sporting an entire body painting of tiger stripes, growls at the audience, crouching, then springing toward the edge of the stage.  
  
Gyrating wildly, he begins to sing:  
  
"Sweat, baby, sweat, baby sex is a Texas drought me  
and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about  
So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts  
Yes, I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert and you're getting two thumbs up  
You've had enough of two-hand touch, you want it rough, you're out of bounds  
I want to you smothered, want you covered, like my Waffle House hash browns  
Come quicker than Fed Ex, never reaching apex like Coca-Cola stock you are  
inclined to make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time  
  
(do it now)  
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel  
(do it again now)  
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel  
(gettin' horny now)"  
  
Amy stops breathing as she watches Haldir prowl the stage to the sex filled lyrics. She wonders why there are spots before her eyes and she is getting dizzy. Amy realizes she has not drawn a breath and her mouth is hanging open. She gasps on a lungful of air and tries to grab Him as he gets close.  
  
He is hot enough to set the stage afire and Amy feels as if she has a fever.  
  
Faramir runs off to give her mouth-to-mouth! "Breath, breath, Damnit!!!"  
  
"I can't breathe when you're shoving your tongue down my throat!!!" Amy tries to mumble back.  
  
Elrohir and Elladan quickly change back into their nurses outfits and rush to give Amy mouth to mouth resuscitation.  
  
Amy thoroughly enjoys the attentions of Faramir when he is shoved aside by Elladan and Elrohir wearing naughty nurses outfits.  
  
"Let the professionals handle this!" Elladan snarls then grins wickedly at the still swooning Amy.  
  
"Her shirt is too constrictive! She can't breathe!" Elladan shouts. Elrohir produces a pair of scissors, grinning madly.  
  
Faramir stalks off in a huff and wanders back over to the bar. His attention riveted by how the short shorts ride up every time the bar wenches bend over.  
  
Faramir reaches out and pinches Kath's ass as she bends over to get a bottle of whiskey off the bottom shelf...  
  
"Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket  
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt, only God knows where we stuck it  
Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific, I wanna be down in your South Seas  
But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean, means "small craft advisory"  
So if I capsize in your thighs, high tide, B-5, you sunk my battleship  
Please turn me on, I'm Mr. Coffee with an automatic drip  
So show me yours I'll show you mi! ne "Tool Time", you'll Lovett just like Lyle  
And then we'll do it doggie style so we can both watch X-Files.  
  
(do it now)  
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel  
(do it again now)  
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel  
(gettin' horny now)"  
  
He ends on his knees in front of the audience, who erupt into wild applause, screaming and catcalling…  
  
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view) the audience isn't the only thing that erupts.  
  
Bird is now passed out...wakes up...sits up...and passes out again... "Oh my...that was quite interesting..." She looks back at a tiger stripe black light glowing Haldir, and whispers, "Cum to me pussy cat...." while beckoning with her finger.  
  
Haldir stalks toward Bird, growling menacingly. He picks her up and slings her over his shoulder, carrying her backstage to the "Undressing Room."  
  
"Here pussy, pussy..." he's heard to murmur as he closes the door behind them.  
  
Glorfindel comes up and knocks on the door, and shouts to Bird, "I wanna sing too, and I have the song picked out..."  
  
"Um, Glorfy...I'll let you handle your own number...I have um...some business to attend to..." and she purrs contentedly as Haldir hauls her off.


	8. Touch MyElf

**"Touch myself" originally by Divinyls (Bird, KAth, and Amy)**

Glorfindel runs, jumps and slides across the stage so that he ends up in the center front on his knees. He is wearing a skintight gold spandex body suit, which leaves NOTHING to the imagination. The neck line - what neckline? - dips down leaving his chest bare all the way down to dangerously below his navel.

He stands up, flips his golden hair and gives his best pouty look as the music starts, and he and sings in a sultry voice...

"I love myElf

I want you to love me

When I'm feelin' down

I want you above me

I search myElf

I want you to find me

I forget myElf

I want you to remind me"

He climbs down off the stage, and pulls a bright red Erestor back up on to the stage with him.

"I don't want anybody else

When I think about you I touch myElf

I don't want anybody else

Oh no, oh no, oh no…"

Gyrating slowly in front of Erestor, he suggestively runs one finger down the front of his neckline, skimming the smooth surface of his chest.

"You're the one who

makes me come running

You're the sun who makes me shine

When you're around

I'm always laughing

I want to make you mine… "

He drops to his knees before Erestor, who continues to blush, and gasps as Glorfindel's hot breath hits his crotch. Glorfindel smiles appreciatively before closing his eyes.

"I close my eyes

And see you before me

Think I would die

If you were to ignore me

A fool could see

Just how much I adore you

I get down on my knees

I'd do anything for you. "

He slips his hand down, as he opens his eyes. Quickly remembering where he is, he jumps up and stands behind Erestor, singing in his ear as he grounds his body against him, sliding his hands up and down Erestor's front. Erestor, his eyes nearly rolling back in his skull, begins to pant, and reaching behind him his fingers trace the muscles of Glorfindel's thighs.

"I love myElf

I want you to love me

When I'm feelin' down

I want you above me

I search myElf

I want you to find me

I forget myElf

I want you to remind me."

From their spot in the dark corner back stage Amy is briefly distracted by Glorfindel and Erestor's performance. She gets a voyeuristic thrill from watching them while she and the twins play willing patient and Naughty nurses.

"I want you

I don't want anybody else

And when I think about you

I touch myElf

Ooh, oooh, oooooh, aaaaaah

I, I, I, I, I don't want anybody else

When I think about you I touch myElf

Oh I don't want anybody else

When I think about you I touch myElf. "

The number ends, and Erestor blushes furiously and runs off the stage. Glorfindel bows to the crowd and goes off to show Erestor how to touch himself.

------------------------

Bird wanders out of the 'undressing room' her hair quite messy and her rumpled clothes hastily thrown on, her shirt misbuttoned and her shoes on the wrong feet...a smirking Haldir follows her out.

"Didn't know I could do that little trick with my tongue, did you, Pussy Cat?" Haldir purrs, his eyes gleaming with humor. Bird just smiles at him, evidently still unable to form a coherent thought, then hurries back out into the bar.

Amy looks up from her twin sandwich at Haldir's comment and wonders just what the heck Haldir did with his tongue before she is pulled back to give the naughty nurses her undivided attention. They had moved from mouth to mouth to full body therapeutic massage.


	9. Elf From Gondolin

**Original Song - (this is so totally the Genius of ZHIE!! - I personally sing this to the tune of "The Lumberjack Song" but hell, its up to you...;) Love, Bird**

The Canary and Meadowlark take the stage, wearing their Birds of a Feather garb, including their masks. The Canary has her lute, and the Meadowlark has with him a mandolin. They sit down and the Canary begins to speak as the Meadowlark tunes his instrument.

"This is a lovely song written by the Meadowlark and I, but it requires audience participation. You'll find the words on the sheets under your seats. If anyone has title suggestions, we'd love to hear them. Everybody ready?" she asks and the crowd chears as they begin to play:

**Meadowlark**:

I'm an elven lord, they call me Fin,

I once lived in Gondolin!

But now Rivendell is home to me,

Last homely house east of the sea!

**Canary & admiring ladies**:

He's an elven lord, they call him Fin,

He once lived in Gondolin!

But if he mentions the balrog, listen to me,

Run away from the house east of the sea!

**Meadowlark:**

I was supposed to be in the Fellowship,

Something bout a ring and a dangerous trip!

But when I went to mount my horse,

Asfaloth was missing, again, of course!

**Canary & admiring ladies**:

He was supposed to be in the Fellowship,

Something bout a ring and a dangerous trip!

But Arwen worried bout her ranger and stole his horse,

Last time it was Legolas, this is par for the course!

**Meadowlark**:

I fought some orcs and I fought a warg,

Fought some nazgul once when I was bored!

I can scare all the baddies when I'm upset,

Just one look at me in my pink corset!

**Canary & admiring ladies**:

He fought some orcs and he fought a warg,

Fought some nazgul once when he was bored!

He can scare all the baddies when he's upset,

Just one look… at his pink corset?!

The Canary stops playing and stares at the Meadowlark. "Does the Peacock know about this?"

"Oh, he's the one who got it for me," grins the Meadowlark. "Someone has to make sure it's laced up good and tight," he adds with a wink.

**All:**

"He's an Elven Lord, his name is Fin,

He once lived in Gondolin!

But now Rivendell is home to heeeeeeeeeee,

_pause & breathe_

Last homely house east of the sea!"

They take their bows and head offstage.


	10. ACDC and ThrannyFanny

**"Big Balls" originally by AC/DC (Bird and Kath)**

Thranduil bursts into the bar. "I wanna sing a song, just for you two ladies" he casts a wicked grin at Kath and Bird... which in and of itself is nearly enough to floor them. He dashes into the Undressing Room as Bird slips the CD he brought with him into the player...

Thranduil runs on to the stage, a raging bull as the music starts. All he's wearing is a pair of very, very, very tight nude leggings....accentuating the largest set of...

Kath and Bird's eyes bug out like Roger Rabbit's - you can nearly hear "Ah-oo-gah, Ah-oo-gah" as they gawk at Thranduil's…assets.

"I'm ever upper class high society,

God's gift to ballroom notoriety,

I always fill my ballroom

(The event is never small)

The social pages say I've got

The biggest balls of all

Oh I've got big balls

I've got big balls

And they're such big balls

Dirty big balls"

He jumps off the stage and points to random males and females in the audience, singing...

"And he's got big balls

And she's got big balls

But we've got the biggest balls of them all!"

He thrusts his hips forward as he sings the word "all" and walks up to Bird and Kath who are still staring at him, quite flabbergasted. Sliding up next to them, he gives them a very close up view of his special talents. Kath and Bird begin to drool helplessly, their tongues hanging out of the sides of their mouths.

"And my balls are always bouncing

My ballroom's always full

And everybody comes and comes again.

If your name is on the guest list

No one can take you higher

Everybody says I've got

GREAT BALLS OF FIRE

Oh I've got big balls.

Some balls are held for charity

And some for fancy dress

But when they're held for pleasure

They're the balls that I like best.

My balls are always bouncing

To the left and to the right

It's my belief that my big balls

Should be held every night

Oh I've got big balls.

And I'm just itching to tell you about them

Oh we'll have such wonderful fun

Seafood cocktail, crabs, crayfish...

Ball sucker!"

He jumps off the stage, walks past the two business partners, smacking them on their bottoms, and disappears out the door and into the night.

Bird turns to Kath, "Is it true?" She looks frantically for Zhie. "I have to know what the meaning of all this is...I thought he wasn't into doing such displays... this is the elf Kath and I are willing to go into business with? I think we are playing with fire...no - worse than that...a great flaming ball of fire, hotter than the sun!"

Bird's eyes roll back in her head, and she collapses on the floor, a quivering, boneless pile of hormones. The naughty nurses look up from their much appreciated attempts to keep Amy breathing, exchange a look, and run clattering on their heels to administer CPR to Bird.

Kath, meanwhile, has not made a sound. Not a peep - she can't. Her brain fled as soon as Thranduil ran onto the stage in his very, very, very tight nude leggings that left nothing to the imagination, and many fear it may never return.


End file.
